Ask for What You Need and Want
Excerpt from “Healing with Pleasure Medicine: PAUSE” by Coach Betty Louise
I became aware of this concept in a intensive leadership program. The actual phrase we learned and practiced during this eight month intensive was "Ask for what you want and need 100% of the time, and then stick around and negotiate".
What we do so often in our world, is work with the needs of others instead of paying attention to our own needs. I know this habit well. There was a moment in my life, where I was asked, "What do you want Betty"? And I didn't have a clue of what I wanted in that moment. My life seemed to exist to take care of my aging mother, my three-year-old daughter, my working husband, to name a few.
Yes, I was a co-dependent extraordinaire. It was the role that was very familiar for me. Such second nature, that I was in my 50s before I realized fully what was going on. I humbly say fully as there's always more to learn.
This is our history. In the 50s in the United States, after World War II, many women stopped working for the war effort and married soldiers coming back from the war and started families. That was my mother. She married my father in 1942 before the war. When he returned, she never worked a day for compensation again. My prideful father thought that was the best way to support and take care of her. Many women agreed to staying home. The underlying consequence was that these women communicated with children all day, and lost touch with other women. And when we lost touch with other women, we stopped collaborating and creatively working together for community.
The feminine characteristic of collaboration is very powerful for women. It has been shown that a meaningful conversation between women raises their oxytocin levels (the pleasure hormone). But, instead we moved towards a masculine based world and a competitive based society. Women were dumbed down, and self-esteem was sinking so we fell into the masculine competitive way of being.
In the 70s, women were even wearing shoulder pads which made them look even more masculine. In today's world, I don't know that men have it easy at all. Most women act like a man in women's bodies. To survive in the business corporate worlds, shutting down sexuality is necessary. Catharine Hakim, author of the book "Honey Money," writes that women have missed an opportunity to use their erotic capital in the business world. She claims there we wouldn’t have these pay discrepancy between men and women if women could embrace their erotic capital and use it wisely. Women are sensual and sexual beings. Women carry the ability to bring beauty to the world and vibrate beauty out into the world in a way that is unique and wonderful. What would change if we were conscious of this truth, and also learned to ask for what we want and need?
There is a woman, Nicole Daedone is her name, and she is speaking around the world about women and orgasms. One of her top staff people and I had lunch one day in San Francisco, headquarters for Nicole's organization, One Taste. Rachel Cherwitz is originally from Texas, and while growing up she had an eating disorder. She moved to San Francisco when she was in her mid-20s and was drawn to One Taste. She learned the practice of orgasmic meditation, a 15 minute stroking meditation where women are brought to orgasm. During this 15 minutes stroking, women learn to tell their stroker what feels good, where to move their finger to create more sensation. As Rachel practiced this, through specific communication skills taught by One Taste, she learn to ask for what she wanted and needed in other areas of her life. Her anorexia was cured. I could write a whole book on communication skills, and someday maybe I will, but for now what I want you to know is the main variables in communication are the words you choose, the tone of your voice, and the geography of your body. Be kind when you are asking for what you want and need.
I am excited about the new conversations that are being started around women's sexual fulfillment, with people like Nicole. Women have shortchanged themselves in this area for a variety of reasons that don't really matter anymore. We all deserve sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, and women are stepping up to go for it. It will ultimately make the planet a more peaceful place. Why is it important to write books like this, and have these conversations for the sake of women? This WHOA Baby will explain why.
According to Semprae Laboratories in 2009, 43% of women were sexually dissatisfied. That number is almost half of the women in the world who make up more than half of the population. So we are talking about a lot of dissatisfaction on a very innate core level. We are sexual beings. It is one of the reasons we are out of balance in our world, we are not taking care of ourselves. We need to feel love, and happiness inside before we can have healthy relationships.
My interview with CEO of Semprae Laboratories, Rachel Braun Scherl, reveals some insights into what is going on.
There is a huge number of women with a huge unmet need. When we talked to physicians, we found that gynecologists and obstetricians, doctors focused on women and sexuality, only 3-5% of them had a conversation with their patients about sexual satisfaction. They talk about fertility, they talk about sexual health, but they don’t talk about satisfaction.
To listen to the whole interview, click here.
Has your doctor brought it up with you? Asking our doctors for what we want and need and starting these conversations is each and every woman's responsibility. You deserve to be satisfied, and it is good for the planet.
Creating a new frame around how we view sex and our sexuality can help make the conversations easier. Here is an excerpt from an interview I had with Veronica Monet. Veronica is a Certified Sexologist, Sex Educator, and teaching her clients how to enjoy sex without shame.
Sex does not have to be in this little ghetto. Most of us see sex as this dark and dirty thing, and it’s over here in the corner. My holistic approach to sex is that sex is the only reason you are breathing air, it is why you are alive. For most of us, somebody had sex in order to create us. And that points to the central importance of our sex lives. I’m trying to expand our view of sex. If sex is Spring, and sex is flowers, and women have orgasms when their in natural childbirth and breastfeeding their babies. It is natural.
For the whole interview, click here.
One: During PAUSEs throughout the day, ask yourself “What do I want and need in this moment?
Two: Prepare and PRACTICE how you will express this to others. Look in the mirror, and practice the words and tone. Feel into what kindness looks like on you.
- “Honey, what I want and need from you right now is...”
- “...is what would make me very happy right now”
- “My request is for ...to happen.”
- “Oh Baby, I love your touch, and if you would...I will be in ecstasy!”